New Project: The Legend of Zelda, The Musical

You read that right. I'm in the process of adapting "Ocarina of Time" into a musical. For actual stage production. Its happening. Accept it.

Its short, to keep the time necessary for production down, but at 9 musical numbers its at par with most Disney movies. I've been using the original motifs composed by Koji Kondo for the game back in the 90's and putting lyrics to them. Its turned out surprisingly well.

I'll be posting updates here as they happen. Right now I have a script done, and a seemingly eager group of people to help me do this. I'm excited. Are you excited? I'm excited!

Vader Vs. Link

So who would win? As the illustrious Sam Wolfe puts it, "A MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION HAS NEVER BEEN ASKED."

I am inclined to agree.

Note: I am assuming the most iconic of all Link incarnations, the Ocarina of Time. This is also fitting as it is the earliest incarnation in the canonical timeline, pending the release of Skyward Sword.

Now, at first glance the answer may seem objectively obvious. Technologically, Vader is from an indefinite future, while Link is from our medieval past. However, as with any sci-fi/fantasy crossover scenario, one must establish equivalencies.

For example, superhuman power can be attributed to either: Vader with the Force, Link with the combined might of various magical abilities and the Triforce of Courage. Below is a listing of basic superhuman abilities:

Darth Vader:

Force Perception (can sense an opponent)

Force Manipulation (Telekinesis, as seen in the Bespin duel and via Force Chokes)

Mind tricks? Its possible

Note that Vader does not actually have the ability to use Force Lightning, because he has no limbs. Palpatine was able to keep him in check because he had that upper hand, but its also the reason Vader was never able to surpass him.

Here is Link's listing:

Farore's Wind: Teleportation

Nayru's Love: Basic protection

Din's Fire: Frikkin' fire, man!

Magic sword attacks: Sword spins infused with magic granted by great fairies

Navi: The ability to keep track of an enemy and react faster

Tools and equipment:

Vader:

Lightsaber : A laser sword

Vader Suit : A cyborg life support system

Link: Equipment

Master Sword : The Sword of Evil's Bane

The Mirror Shield: A shield capable of reflecting light and beam based attacks

Golden Gauntlets : Gloves that lend him superhuman strength

Hover Boots: Boots that allow him to hover in the air for short periods of time

Link: Items (Link is capable of having three items on hand, as per the C-button mechanic of Ocarina)

Lens of Truth: A looking glass that allows Link to see through illusions

Hookshot: Think Batman's grappling gun

Fairy in a bottle: Basically a second life. Think one up or phoenix down.

Now the item distribution may seem unfair, but Vader himself would disagree. Vader is defined by his ability to navigate any situation with his wits alone. He uses the environment in ways Link doesn't, and relies on his own cunning over a host of tools.

Link on the other hand is defined by his ability to approach any situation with the right tool for the job. That's his thing.

I've got to say though, even without his three Items its looking like Link has this one in the bag. Compare base weaponry, for instance: Vader's Lightsaber is a sword made of lasers. The sort of thing you'd think couldn't be beat. And many of you may be thinking "well that beats the Master Sword easy, right? Lasers vs steel, steel melts!"

WRONG. The Master sword is a very special blade, forged as the key to the Sacred Realm and conditioned to be wielded by only those completely pure of heart. Over the course of Ocarina, we've seen this sword bounce orbs of magical energy back at opponents as if they were tennis balls, we've seen it slay monster after impervious monster. It can be infused with magical energy to take on lightsaber-like qualities: To the people of Hyrule, its the game changer.

So lets go ahead and say that Vader's lightsaber and the Master Sword are evenly matched. If not, the Mirror Shield deflects lasers. That's what it does. That is its function. Link's fine.

What about Vader's mind tricks and such? LENS OF TRUTH. Done.

Now, both are also expert swordsmen, but Link is faster than Vader because he's got real, 100% human parts. He's got the agility for backflips, rolls, side-evasions and jump attacks that Vader can only dream of in memories of Prequel days.

At this point, Vader's main advantage is his force perception. He's able to sense where Link is coming from as soon as Link decides what his next move is. My response to Vader's biggest magical advantage is the Three goddess spells under Link's command. Nayru's love leaves Link impervious to damage, Farore's Wind allows him some basic teleportation, and Din's Fire summons a dome of flame that burns anything in its blast radius. At some point, Vader's weakness becomes the gap between knowing what Link will do next and his ability to react to it.

Finally, Link already has a resume for defeating caped dark lords. I'd call him in on Vader over Luke Skywalker any day.

Anthrophobia

Thought I'd take another crack at the dialogue thing. I think the problem with the last one was that there was way too much backstory for it to work effectively on its own. This one's nice and simple...and funnier, too. Enjoy!

ANTHROPHOBIA

You’re scared of them.

I am not scared of them.

You’re scared of humans.

I am not scared of humans!

Mmhm. And the screaming was...what, exactly? A war cry?

They creep me out. I’m not scared of them, they’re just creepy. There’s a difference!

You know, you don’t have to stomp on them like that every time. They’re harmless.

They are not harmless, are you kidding me? Just look at one!

I’ve seen humans. They’re funny.

Funny like...like...a human!

Seriously?

I’m thinking of unfunny things, and humans top the list.

Seriously?

You tell me you look at a human and you don’t get that creepy, tingling feeling in your thorax.

I don’t!

Did you know that they have these little, grasping things on the ends of their legs?

What, like monkeys? Monkeys are harmless.

No, but they’re grasping things are all arranged so they can grab things like...hammers!

Hold on...

And they’re so small you can’t even see them, but they’re there! Oh they’re there all right...

Listen to me. They’re a million times smaller than you. They’re much more afraid of you than you are of them.

I’m not afraid of them! I’m not homophobic.

I don’t think that word means what you think it does...

Homophobia. Fear of Homo Sapiens.

You want Anthrophobia.

Anthrophobia?

Fear of humans.

Well I’m not Anthrophobic either!

I mean come on, what are their little graspy things going to do to you?

They’re called thumbs. Doesn’t that just make you cringe? Its like whoever comes up with these names is trying to tell you something.

Like what?

Like maybe “DANGER! STAY AWAY! GRASPING APPENDAGES WILL RESULT IN...complications!”

Are you listening to yourself? They don’t have thumbs. Jeez, where do you hear this stuff?

Ok, fine, then. Boots. What about boots?

What about them?

What about them? They use them to squish our kind!

Oh come on. Remember what I just said? They’re a million times smaller than us.

They’re not a million times smaller, don’t exaggerate to make me look stupid. I’m not stupid. I’m talking about earth arachnids. They’re tiny here, and they stomp on them.

Like you stomp on them?

That’s not the same and you know it.

Right, because you’re afraid of them.

You’re really starting to piss me off.

You think they tell each other they aren’t afraid of spiders while they’re stomping on them?

Don’t be ridiculous, humans can’t talk.

Maybe they think we can’t talk.

Do you have a point you’re crawling towards?

I said they’re more afraid of us than we are of them.

I’m not-

Fine, they’re more creeped out by us than we are by them.

Debatable...but continue.

Well maybe that’s why they stomp on the little ones. Because they creep the humans out. So if that’s true, can you imagine how we must seem to them?

Hey, at least I’m not some unnatural, thumb-grasping freak.

They have four legs. Four. We have twice as many, and that’s enough to freak them out when they’re towering over them.

You know what, I don’t have anything to justify. I don’t need a reason to kill them, I just AAGH! WHAT! AUGH DIE! DIE!

Holy...calm down!

Did you see that? Came out of nowhere! It was huge, like easily ten feet tall!

And you were telling me not to exaggerate? They don’t get that big.

Well this one did, I swear. Look at it!

Well I can’t tell now, its all squished.

Uuuuugh...Its still creepy. I think I can see its thumbs.

You can’t see its thumbs, you big scaredy-cat.

Oh take that back!

I don’t see any thumbs.

No, I mean the cat thing! Come on, man, that’s not funny!

What you’re scared of them, too?

They creep me out! You can’t blame me for that, they eat spiders!

You’re scared of cats!

I am not scared of cats!

Storage

storing this image to post somewhere else.